Resisting National Donut Day

I woke up this morning, thinking it was a normal Friday... until BAM. Social media told me it was National Donut Day 2017 and I suddenly felt like I HAD to skip my actual breakfast and race to Dunkin Donuts before all of the free donuts were gone. 

If you know me, you know that donuts are my one true love. I love them all - the sprinkles, the chocolate ones, the ones with those crumbly things on top. I'M OBSESSED. But what I don't love is when I feel sick after I eat one (or two... or three...) of these donuts and then feel awful and bloated and regretting all of my life choices.

This is actually the struggle when I live within walking distance of Union Square Donuts. 

Here's to not checking my Instagram every two seconds today so that I can't see any of the Union Square Donuts, Forge Bakery donuts, Three Little Figs donuts, the classic Dunkin Donuts, etc etc (Yes I follow this many donut/bakery accounts and now I'm embarrassed) 

I'm telling myself that an apple a day keeps the donut away, but in all seriousness it's my shake that reminds me to stay on track and kindaaaa tastes like a chocolate donut... right? At least that's what I'm telling myself 🍩🍩🍩

Michelangelo's Risen Christ

I

The decision:

to exceptionally carve perfection,

or to give the Son of God

weak knees that mirror mine,

maybe worn, tired hands. Certainly

a shorter cross, for a sculpture

who bore the weight

of the world. What does marble

sound like when it speaks?

II

A doubter

reaches to touch the clean, cool

wounds and hears the voice

of the rock as it cuts

darkness. Words pour

from the silence and run

down the smooth stone.

Clarity seeps from marble flesh
to human fingertips.

Orvieto

I

Pigeons race around tufa edge –

inventing an ancient obligation

to guard invisible fences, shooing

feathered neighbors. They cling

to the beam with prideful

waddles. Little legs grip

onto weeds growing from rock

growing from fortress. Hundredth

generation pigeons in Orvieto

defend and demand a small square

footage of stone – just because

their Etruscan ancestors formed

this place with their bare claws.

II

A lion guards the arches

at Fontana del Leone – birds crawl

over his quiet body as he gazes out

toward the landscape. He greets

runners and the occasional car

with a mild roar and his small

kitten paws. The pigeons sit on

his furry head – they’re in charge now.

Hands stretch over the cliff

to feel if this is real – to believe

the view is not simply a backdrop

with recorded sounds of car horns

and rushing trains. Mountains drop

down and rolling hills peppered

with poppies act casual, as if all

landscapes look this good without trying.

III

Time stops under the arch. We climb

up a stream of cobblestones and move

into the arched cave. Clocks freeze here,

all thoughts of home are left at the base.

Unhurried steps move through ancient streets.

Days blur together and seasons lose meaning.

The arch has no gate or bars to keep time out,

but we abandon it in the grass before entering.

It begins again. Weaving through narrow

streets, the escape through the arch brings us

back to time. We pick up our bags, stuff time

into our suitcases. Watches furiously tick as we race

down funicular tracks and onto crowded trains.

Parking lot car horns, trains in arrivo and partenza

move onto the landscape backdrop and then travel on –
bringing people to work, home, the new, the familiar.

The Dentist

Julie Mehretu’s Middle Grey

The Dentist

The smell of clean

sickens. Magazines from 1999

rot on waiting room chairs.

My turn – slowly trudge

toward tooth hell. Bleached

hygienist smiles beam

and usher hesitant feet

into a small chamber –

complete with reclining

spaceship chairs.

Laughing gas evaporates into

clouds with train tracks

and giggles rain down like

bird feathers. A fat Crayola

crayon fills in the landscape

with charcoal rocks and inky

trails. Let’s go

for a hike. The weather looks

a bit stormy – but we have light
heads and clean teeth.

turn off that damn radio

when I ask you why
you kiss me,
you shrug
'because you're a girl.'

when I ask you why
you call me,
you say
'the radio was boring.'

when I ask you why
you invite me,
you say
'I didn't want to show up alone.'

when I tell you that
I like you,
you say
nothing

radio silence. 

when I ask you why
you used me,
you say
'I didn't.'

when I ask you why
you bothered at all,
you give
excuses

when you ask me why
I don't answer anymore
you should know
by now 

you will find me
as distant
as radio static

you will find me free
from a friendship
that was nothing 

but endless questions
and unspoken
answers 

My "useless" English degree

"There is something fundamentally human that connects us, and the fact that a piece of literature can accomplish that connection is what drew me to writing. I want to create that magic for others."

This excerpt of a Harvard student's story popped up on my Facebook newsfeed the other day and it was probably the most relevant thing I've ever "saved" on Facebook to go back to later. Normally I just save all of those Tasty videos on Facebook and watch them for hours and then forget about them when I go to the grocery store. Anyways. This girl's experience as an English major is soooooo relevant and encouraging but also frustratingly accurate of what I felt as I studied English for undergrad. 

You can read her whole response here: https://www.facebook.com/portraitsofamerica/posts/1324060214343374:0 

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that my English degree was obsolete, I would EASILY have enough money to pay off all my student loans that got me the degree in the first place. 

I just had this conversation with my sister who is studying art at UNH. She was feeling discouraged about this path that she chose for herself as other friends are going into engineering or business. If you have ever seen my sister's ceramics or pretty much anything she does that is art-related, SHE IS SO TALENTED. It breaks my heart that she would feel discouraged about this passion and that others make her feel so terrible about choosing that as a major and as a path for herself. 

When I was "just" an English major with a creative writing concentration, I would seriously dread the moment when someone asked what my major was. Most of time time I was be like "I... um... English. I'm an English major."

Literally 99% of the time, the first response would be:

"So what are you going to do with that?"
or
"So you're going to be a teacher?"
or
"So how are you going to support yourself?"
or
"Good luck finding a job with that one!"

Like... I actually got all of these responses! When I am older and wiser than I am now, talking to some young college student about the good old days when I was in college, PLEASE help me to remember that these responses are honestly the least helpful things to say to a college student. If they feel good about what they chose and are spending a million dollars to study something they love, TELL THEM IT'S A GOOD IDEA! There was nothing worse than leaving a conversation where I...

1) felt stupid for even responding to their question
2) felt even more stupid for not being able to answer their question about what my favorite book is
3) felt like I should've lied to say I'm just going to be a teacher
4) felt terrible about my decision to study something that I LOVE

Did I ever regret my decision to pursue my English degree for undergrad? Um yes. Every time I procrastinated and then had to write a huge paper on a novel that I probably should've spent more time reading. But these small moments of temporary regret were just the result of me being a bad student. I had the BEST professors and the best classes. I read books, I (reluctantly) discussed books, I wrote papers. I had a chance to develop myself as a writer and could learn from the best writers out there - my professors who were writers themselves. I wrote poems, fiction, nonfiction, and could even spend a whole semester working on my senior thesis (all posted under "Creative Writing" at the top of this blog!). How grateful I am to have had those years to read and write while learning how to communicate and argue through writing.

In my recent post about teaching my students, I mentioned how my job is to give these little guys the tools, vocabulary, and skills to communicate in this world. My English degree prepared me for this role and I didn't even realize it. By practicing my written communication skills in all of my English classes and through working as a writing tutor, I was learning how to do these very basic steps of communication and learning how to communicate effectively.

Did I find the perfect job after graduation? Yes. Did I know it was the perfect job for me at the time? Definitelyyyyyy not. I felt like I was settling - taking a job at Gordon while my other friends were moving on to bigger and better things. I was denied from so many jobs and it hurt. I felt like a failure and I could hear these voices of all the people who told me that I wouldn't be able to get a job with my useless English degree. I wasted my time! I wasted my money! Why did I think this was a good idea? They were all right! I feel so stupid! I was ashamed of my choice but it was too late to change. I graduated with honors in English but it felt like I had failed and wasted my education on reading books and writing a few research papers.

How wrong I was and how wrong those people were - my English degree was EVERYTHING and continues to be everything to me. It prepared me and laid the foundation for my first job, for my work in my graduate classes, and for my first teaching job. There is honestly no way that I could've been as successful in any of these places without the classes that I took during my undergrad career at Gordon.

I've had a few people ask me if I wish I had been an education major for undergrad. I have never replied "yes" to this question because I know that this wasn't the plan for me. There is a reason why I needed this time to read, write, and learn from my creative writing professors. There is no way that I would've been prepared to jump into education classes at 18 years old. My love for writing has never waivered and although there are times in my life where writing is put on the back burner for a little while, it never weakens and will never stop being one of passions. How can I regret any minute of a degree that brought me to this understanding?

Lists, routines, and my Google calendar

If I could get paid to make lists, I would. I can make lists all. day. long. I could make a lists of all the kinds of lists I have and it would still be enjoyable for me to make this giant list of lists. Is that confusing?

In the amount of time that it makes me to write these lists and color code the lists, I could easily DO EVERYTHING ON THE LISTS.

In addition to note pads and sticky notes: my Google calendar. MTV True Life: I'm addicted to my Google calendar. I can spend all afternoon planning when I'm going to do my laundry, go grocery shopping, take a workout class, etc etc.

Like... the addiction is so real. Also the color coding is everything. Do I sound crazy yet?

I plan and I move things around and then suddenly the day comes and goes and I was 1) late to everything because I packed it all close together and 2) I was absent / not being a good listener at all of the coffee dates and dinner dates that I planned because I was worried if I was going to be late to the next "appointment."

Anyways. The point of this is that my life is so scheduled and I purposely make it that way. When I don't have a schedule, I get nervous and when I don't have social plans or a LIST, I start to frantically text friends to schedule something. Anything. A phone call or a coffee date.

In my [stressed out but very organized] mind, every minute should be spent doing something productive, whether that's for my health, for my job, for my friendships, for my spiritual wellbeing, for my financial wellbeing, etc etc.

Me all of the time:
"I should be hanging out with a friend I haven't seen in a while"
"I should write a novel or two, perhaps a memoir"
"I should call that person back"
"I should be reading my devotional book"
"I should really lesson plan of the rest of the year and maybe next year too"
"I should be reading a book for fun"
"I should be organizing my sock drawer"
"I should get another job to support my lifestyle aka mani pedis and Somerville coffee shops"
"I should be donating all of my clothes to charity"
"I should start training for that marathon I've always considered running"
"I should be meal prepping for the week so I don't have to eat oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner"

Suddenly the tasks that shouldn't be tasks at all (working out - like, I always feel better and happier after I do this. Or reading a book - also something that always makes me feel better) become checks off my to-do list and all of the parts that make them enjoyable are gone. I'm just doing it to get it done.

Here's to making fewer lists and obsessing over time well spent. I need this reminder to actually LIVE my life instead of planning out how I'm going to live it by organizing and reorganizing the order in which I'll complete these small, often unimportant tasks.

But like, I also might really write a novel or run a marathon - who knows. Either way, it won't happen unless I take it off the list and actually DO IT!

Why I'm a teacher

I feel like my life revolves around teaching and my students right now but I haven't really been posting about it. The first few months were so hard and I regularly cried in my car (everyone is so horrified when I say this but my friends who are teachers usually reply with "Yuppppp that's pretty accurate), so I guess that's why I didn't rush to post it on my blog. But my hope for this blog is to share both the good and also challenging parts about teaching and my life in general. 

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the importance of teaching and there are some days when I feel good about it and some days where I feel like I can barely keep up / I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water / I go and cry in my car. I teach English Language Learners and most of my students speak Spanish, Arabic, and Portuguese (although there are a few more languages sprinkled in here). I take different groups of kindergarteners through fourth graders and I see them for either 45 minutes and day or 1.5 hours a day (on some days this seems like a loooooooong time). 

I can easily say that this job is the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done in my entire life (I know I can be dramatic but this is the TRUTH). 

“Ms. Wernig, are you going to stay here for a long time?” I smile and respond, “For a long time? Probably!” They have seen their previous ESL teachers come and go. Some have been transferred to other schools or have left for other districts. In the past few years, they often stay for only a year or a few months because of maternity leave. When my students ask me, “Will you stay with us?” it breaks my heart because I know they don’t have many adults that stay for long in their lives. Coming from different countries and often broken homes, my students tell me they left Brazil with their mother to flee their father. My second grader tells me that he lives with his grandmother while his parents are still in Guatemala. My first grader tells me that she is excited to have dinner with her mother this one night of the week, but when I ask about it the next day, she sighs and says it didn’t happen.

When I consider how I’ll make a difference in the lives of my students, I immediately think about how I will give them the tools to communicate during their lives here. I think about how words – spoken and written – are some of the most powerful tools that we have in this world. As a lover of literature and writing, I can’t wait to teach them new vocabulary and read them stories. 

But when I walked into my first classroom for student teaching, I didn’t realize that my students from uprooted families and broken homes would need so much more from me than a few good stories and vocabulary tests. I was prepared so well my great professors and mentors, but I wasn’t ready for my students’ absolute reliance on me to show up for them every single day. When I’m out sick for a day, I can expect their outrage when I show up the next day: “You didn’t come get me yesterday! Where were you?” They cross their little arms and pretend to be offended until I assure them that I really just had a cold and I’m back for good. I am reminded of how much trust they put in me as their teacher and sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of trust and dependence they have in me. 

I want to make a difference in the lives of these students by being the kind of person that my students need most: someone who can show up every day and love them while giving them the words they need to be communicate and be strong in this world. Even if I never know the influence that I have on my students, I can hope to have this impact on them during my time as their teacher.

Countdown til April break

I am CRAWLING to April vacation. Literally crawling. I leave the school every day and pretty much stumble to my car - exhausted and drained and tired and sneezy (because I've had a cold for pretty much... this entire school year).

ONE. MORE. DAY.

In other news, I'm so excited to give this blog a new name! I feel like I've struggled with the direction of my blog ever since it used to be more of a travel journal (as you can see if you look at the posts in the top right corner). I loved when this was my way to record my study abroad experience and travels but unfortunately I don't get to travel as much anymore, so it needed a little freshening up. I think I finally have more of a direction for this though. I recently started as a Team Beachbody coach and I think through that experience, I will use this blog as a way to record my journey and also get back into writing regularly about my life.

I was originally interested in the Beachbody program because of Shakeology (and now I'm obsessed – it’s the best part of my morning routine!). After playing field hockey in college, I missed the accountability and discipline that comes with being on a team - and I have recently found that again in the Team Beachboy accountability groups. Over the past few years, I have only wanted to get in shape or look attractive to impress other people. I've had a bad mindset in terms of thinking that maybe if I was prettier or thinner or more attractive then maybe THIS person would like me or THAT person would like me. And although I didn’t think this 100% of the time, it would still creep up whenever I started a new workout routine.

I suddenly began to hate these negative thoughts and missed the confident field hockey player I had once been. This is when I decided to make a change and make my health a priority for MYSELF. I want to work hard and do this for myself and not for anyone else. This is a time in my life where I can focus on my own health and know in my heart that my worth is not defined by my jean size or my outward appearance. I am a Beachbody participant and coach because I want to feel healthy and strong while helping others do the same!

I can't wait to share with you parts of my journey and also my life as an ELL teacher (I could write about this forever... but I'll save that for another day).

Thanks for reading! :)

UPDATE: I survived. Another update: I'm halfway to 25 now

It's hard to explain how everything is different and so many changes happened at once, but so many things have stayed the same as well. A new job, new roommates, new apartment, and new friends have been the focus of my last few months. While visiting with a friend this past weekend, I explained how there are some days when it feels like this is how my life has always been, and then other moments when I'm like "EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND I MISS MY OLD LIFE!"

But it's crazy to me how quickly a place can feel like home, especially with great friends who call and check in on me, especially when I'm struggling with the changes. There are few things that make me happier than catching up with a friend in person or on the phone and it's always becomes the best part of my day. I can't even express how grateful I am for these faithful friends!

Cambridge with Kelly

Sara's wedding in California

Cider tasting in Somerville with Amy and Jenna

Bridesmaid swag with Laura

Orvieto reunions with Jenna at Sara's wedding

Morgan's wedding day!

Morgan's wedding with Hannah and Victoria

Mindy's wedding with Leah and Kelly

Portsmouth with Olivia 

Kelsey's wedding with Anna and Kelly

Visiting Julie in PA

Mindy's wedding with Kelly (again)

Summer days with Amy

New England fall adventures with Rachel

Introducing Caroline to Somerville

Boat days with Amy and Heather